you know, i should totally stop reading the blogs of people who are older than me. Because some how, some way, i always feel really really stupid after reading them. and it also reminds me of how distant i've been from old friends lately. well, then again, they ARE older and in a different school with different people so of course things would be different.
i don't know, may i'm just simply stuck in the past again.
MOVE FORWARD MAN. MOVE FORWARD.
but somehow, it's always hard to.
signing off,
julian hallems
I bet this blog gets a traffic of like, one visitor per day. [iow, me. Since it's my homepage]
i'm sorry. i'm really trying to get this site up as a portfolio. once i figure out Flash CS3, i'll get work on it. worse come to worse, after O's?
well this is just a general update.
Things are gonna be more and more hectic when school starts. Re-studying Maths and Lit, Chinese O's aren't over just yet either. who knows whether they'll push it back or not with all this H1N1 shizz. Not to mention O Level Art, which is btw killing my brain trying to think of an original concept with my "style" in it. even though i have no clue whatsoever what kind of style i have. pfft. well, at least i'm doing something i like. though i really want to redo the panel with Michelle in it! new layout!!!!! argh. but not allowed. I can't seem to get any suitable family photos, and asking my friends to pose for me just feels so weird.
at the same time, i'm trying to catch up with old friends, hopefully i can meet up with them from time to time. convince Zhibin to relax and go out for a movie once in a while, or a concert! figuring out ways to patch up friendships and whatnot. get addicted to a song and listen to it 100 times without getting sick of it. Figure out what i'm going to do with my life and get closer to God while i'm at it. oh and also pick up my horn and play my ass off again for the Botanic Gardens concert. I MUST PERFORM!!!!!! URGH. and try to get myself into AP if it's even possible. get my attendance up... don't get H1N1 and uh. yeah i think that's all. shrugs. everyone's expecting something from me. so i gotta perform, not just to expectations, but to exceed them. i shall aim to shock the world. i have to.
yeah, i am totally adding pressure on myself. but heck, my parents bought a new OSIM chair which should be coming in next week. i shall use that to relax while listening to my fave tunes.
if you really want any more updates from me, check out my facebook? can't really get my butt up to type much here on blogger.
signing off,
Julian Hallems
okay at long last i have finally gotten my butt up to type about ENCOUNTER camp.
honestly, i wish i was still at camp even at this second. who cares if there was no internet, who cares if i had to stay in the same building all the time, ENCOUNTER was awesome. [I AM AWESOME, YOU ARE AWESOME, because we're made by GOD!] haha.
I really felt a lot of very very strong feelings during the camp. Thanks to paps advice the night before, i decided to really take the chance to try and find God again. I guess God's giving me a sign by giving me this camp at a time when my faith was really at its lowest. and God's really given me the blessing of the people around me who spurred me to attend the camp anyways. even though like, only 6 people from my level were going. I finally practised what i preached during the camp. How i would always share in Legion in school "you want your faith to be something? you have to put in the effort to make it something". and at last i finally put in the effort to let myself be taken in by God. and the emotions i felt were just, amazing. I can say that i have changed so much over the past 3 days. and to prove it, i decided to give some extracts from the only 2 big reflections that i had written during the camp. one at the beginning of the camp, and one at the end of the journey.
in the beginning:
...All my life everyone has always said to me "oh you're so holy" or "hi future-priest" and things like that. In a way it felt to me like my life was going to be planned out for me and i had no other choice but to just go along with the whole thing. After the events of last year, I entered 2009 with the attitude of wanting things to change for the better. But as 2009 progressed, it began to dawn on me that somethings would never change. No matter how much i would wish for things to go back to the way they all once were. i got so caught up in my own thoughts of nostalgia. I forgot that I needed to move forward. I went to school with the impression that no one really cared about me to begin with. the pressures that came in from Art and Band never really did anything to ease me either. After a while, no one trusted me to do my work well anymore. Everyone just seemed to just put the blame on me without ever considering that maybe i was greatly affected myself. God never seemed to be there for me. the idea of prayer began to irritate me as it seemed like just an easy answer for people to shove me away. going to church with friends began to feel like a chore and the idea of Catholicism began to feel like it dragged my life down. There were no more "let's pray about it" because i felt that i would not get an answer either way. and reading a random bunch of words in the bible or singing some praise and worship songs just wasn't going to be enough for me to believe in him. I guess i really needed to feel God's presence in my life. I might be asking for too much but i really needed to know he was still with me....
at the end:
...the very powerful sharings that happened on the first day. all building up to the highlight that was the praying-over sessions for me by Marianne and Nicholas. This surge of energy flowed through their hands on my back as they prayed with me. It remained with me and I could feel this huge pain on my chest the rest of the night. It was like as though something was pushing out the pains i had been hiding for my emotional self. I woke up the next morning with the pains all gone and my heart feeling lighter than it had ever been before. and that was like the beginning of God's healing touch on me. The next day, God continued to heal me through the imagery session. Going into the session, i thought i would have simply fallen asleep standing up. But for some strange reason, i formed the figure of a face of a man in my head, like as though the lights in my mind were molding to form an image. Then i heard the word "Mary" and another figure formed in my head. Next thing i knew, i felt a certain warmth, and the feeling of someone embracing me. The feeling was just so comforting and i could feel the weight of someone on my back, holding me very tightly. It was just such a great comfort that i could not help but break down in tears. I apologised to God for having doubted him for so long, and then i felt someone's hands on mine and i heard someone telling me that he was real and that embrace made me feel like everything was okay again, not to mention that i felt myself shaking uncontrollably. I found God, and i found him to be real once more....
imagine having such a powerful experience in a mere two days. I never want to forget the people who've given me the greatest experience of my life in a mere two days. Brother Jude, Jarvis, Marianne, Nicholas, Jude Tan, Ashley, Brendan Chai, Dominic Chai, Samuel Ng, Ben Byrne, Sandra Lee, CASSandra [Kit], Geri Seah, Jervis Kang, Kelly Tseng, Justin Chan, Pamela Tay, Kevin Ke, Matthew , Adrian, Kevin Chan, Damien Teo, Ben Sew, Alex Teoh, Marcus Teoh, Gerald Gan. and i hope i didn't miss out anyone!
God is real. and now i really and truly believe.
although, coming home from camp has been one of the hardest things to do because now i have to rely on myself to keep this faith of mine going. but i know i'll always have the Legion people behind me. we'll see where this goes.
i can't believe i'm saying this but, PRAISE GOD. ALLELUIA. ENCOUNTER GOD. BELIEVE THAT HE WILL MAKE HIMSELF KNOWN TO YOU. and there's really nothing more comforting than having an embrace from God.
signing off,
julian hallems.
subtle hintings that go unnoticed
messages that never go through
mail never received
lyrics taken plainly
thus is the curse of the one who mourns
the boy that realised one foreshadowed day
that the mouth serves a sheath of words like daggers
where it is best to simply keep it closed
yet somedays he wants to scream
only to realise the solitude of his predicament
surrounded by plain white walls
a reflection of himself that stares back in wonder
restrictions of thought a main focus
so as not to disappoint further
the expectations of the ones who believed
that boy could someday be great
no one really knew that boy
despite the subtle hintings that he gave
words became a study
and status became a state of mind
resonance of the peals of bells
they seemed to numb the mind
so no hurt can come, no hurt may leave
until deemed so worthy
the crucifix affixed on the walls
the aura it emitted once was so strong
now even in time of need
that glow grows dimmer
he needed a friend
yet no one stopped to wonder
he fell to the floor
but no one ever noticed
he shouted for attention
yet they snubbed and walked along
the boy who cried wolf they seemed to think
a captured pinnochio nothing more
a facade of strength
seemed to fool even the smartest of minds
a mask of jubilee
failed fallen flittered into the distance
his mind is weakening
his heart is unweaving
at the breaking point he is about to fall
one slight breath and he just might
the fragility of the human psyche
shattering into shards of glass
cutting though every heatbeat
that boy felt himself bleed
no one around for him to call
no one around that really cared
no one around to lend a hand
sheer dumb luck and extreme pain
friends that used to be so close
a family with solace he could find
one year passes and everything changes
only to find himself left behind
control. by
julian hallems
got a new toy today!
smexy isn't it?
signing off,
julian hallems
haha. look at my latest addition to the family of stuff i have.
haha. bought them after chinese tuition today. thank goodness Loo, Seow and Justin were there to accompany me. or i'd feel like a total idiot! and i realised today that i can make any expensive thing look cheap. -.- i don't know whether to take that as a good thing or not! haha
oh and i'm hoping to be able to go for lunch with the skinners next wed! still haven't asked mum yet. but i think it should be fine. since i've got nothing else on that day anyways.
signing off,
julian hallems
really, i want to say a lot of things right about now.
and i was this close to writing a kick-ass poem.
but for some reason. i can't find the words to begin.
ok. let's just try this again.
Expectations. stop playing tricks on my head
Deceptions. keep changing the route i choose
Reality. as always, bites me in the rear
Disappointment. oh won't you disappear
Frolic. numbs the mind from despair
Flame. reminisce of memories of old
Crossroads. they have appeared once again
Decisions. one thing man should never have to make
Clutter. block out the thought
Fool. only fooling yourself
Tricks. to deceive the mind
Locks. to keep in the secrets
Humility. does it ever exist
Genuine. may actually be false
Imitation. a good thing to behold
Barriers. built to strengthen the clutter.
Optimism. not to be believed
Pessimism. not to be concealed
Relations. don't mean a thing
Religion. the only redeeming quality
Reunion. the exuberence of joy
Chord. sung in perfect harmony
Embrace. given in pure love
Belonging. a sensation so amazing
Stranger, just who might you be
let me welcome you to our family
spanning many ages of many forms
yet all connected through one room
an upper room above a hall
where prayers are said and tears are shed
earnest to give of ourselves
there's no need to shy away
Chalet. by
julian hallemswell. could use some tweaks.
oh man. this night has got be one of the best nights i've ever had. i have NEVER laughed this hard before. my cheeks are so sore!
badminton rackets - about $70
Shuttlecock - 50cents
watching melvin and akira play badminton in the LT - priceless.
haha for those who don't already know. yeah i fell asleep during my O Levels today.... Paper 2. I COULDN'T HELP IT! I NEEDED TO PEE AND THE PAPER WENT BLURRY.
well anyways. here's something that really cracked me up today.
p.s. check out my poems on facebook.
signing off,
julian hallems
got a new toy today!
