honestly, i wish i was still at camp even at this second. who cares if there was no internet, who cares if i had to stay in the same building all the time, ENCOUNTER was awesome. [I AM AWESOME, YOU ARE AWESOME, because we're made by GOD!] haha.

I really felt a lot of very very strong feelings during the camp. Thanks to paps advice the night before, i decided to really take the chance to try and find God again. I guess God's giving me a sign by giving me this camp at a time when my faith was really at its lowest. and God's really given me the blessing of the people around me who spurred me to attend the camp anyways. even though like, only 6 people from my level were going. I finally practised what i preached during the camp. How i would always share in Legion in school "you want your faith to be something? you have to put in the effort to make it something". and at last i finally put in the effort to let myself be taken in by God. and the emotions i felt were just, amazing. I can say that i have changed so much over the past 3 days. and to prove it, i decided to give some extracts from the only 2 big reflections that i had written during the camp. one at the beginning of the camp, and one at the end of the journey.

in the beginning:

...All my life everyone has always said to me "oh you're so holy" or "hi future-priest" and things like that. In a way it felt to me like my life was going to be planned out for me and i had no other choice but to just go along with the whole thing. After the events of last year, I entered 2009 with the attitude of wanting things to change for the better. But as 2009 progressed, it began to dawn on me that somethings would never change. No matter how much i would wish for things to go back to the way they all once were. i got so caught up in my own thoughts of nostalgia. I forgot that I needed to move forward. I went to school with the impression that no one really cared about me to begin with. the pressures that came in from Art and Band never really did anything to ease me either. After a while, no one trusted me to do my work well anymore. Everyone just seemed to just put the blame on me without ever considering that maybe i was greatly affected myself. God never seemed to be there for me. the idea of prayer began to irritate me as it seemed like just an easy answer for people to shove me away. going to church with friends began to feel like a chore and the idea of Catholicism began to feel like it dragged my life down. There were no more "let's pray about it" because i felt that i would not get an answer either way. and reading a random bunch of words in the bible or singing some praise and worship songs just wasn't going to be enough for me to believe in him. I guess i really needed to feel God's presence in my life. I might be asking for too much but i really needed to know he was still with me....

at the end:

...the very powerful sharings that happened on the first day. all building up to the highlight that was the praying-over sessions for me by Marianne and Nicholas. This surge of energy flowed through their hands on my back as they prayed with me. It remained with me and I could feel this huge pain on my chest the rest of the night. It was like as though something was pushing out the pains i had been hiding for my emotional self. I woke up the next morning with the pains all gone and my heart feeling lighter than it had ever been before. and that was like the beginning of God's healing touch on me. The next day, God continued to heal me through the imagery session. Going into the session, i thought i would have simply fallen asleep standing up. But for some strange reason, i formed the figure of a face of a man in my head, like as though the lights in my mind were molding to form an image. Then i heard the word "Mary" and another figure formed in my head. Next thing i knew, i felt a certain warmth, and the feeling of someone embracing me. The feeling was just so comforting and i could feel the weight of someone on my back, holding me very tightly. It was just such a great comfort that i could not help but break down in tears. I apologised to God for having doubted him for so long, and then i felt someone's hands on mine and i heard someone telling me that he was real and that embrace made me feel like everything was okay again, not to mention that i felt myself shaking uncontrollably. I found God, and i found him to be real once more....

imagine having such a powerful experience in a mere two days. I never want to forget the people who've given me the greatest experience of my life in a mere two days. Brother Jude, Jarvis, Marianne, Nicholas, Jude Tan, Ashley, Brendan Chai, Dominic Chai, Samuel Ng, Ben Byrne, Sandra Lee, CASSandra [Kit], Geri Seah, Jervis Kang, Kelly Tseng, Justin Chan, Pamela Tay, Kevin Ke, Matthew , Adrian, Kevin Chan, Damien Teo, Ben Sew, Alex Teoh, Marcus Teoh, Gerald Gan. and i hope i didn't miss out anyone!

God is real. and now i really and truly believe.

although, coming home from camp has been one of the hardest things to do because now i have to rely on myself to keep this faith of mine going. but i know i'll always have the Legion people behind me. we'll see where this goes.

i can't believe i'm saying this but, PRAISE GOD. ALLELUIA. ENCOUNTER GOD. BELIEVE THAT HE WILL MAKE HIMSELF KNOWN TO YOU. and there's really nothing more comforting than having an embrace from God.

signing off,